Last Few Days

I guess the whole week just build up, the whole past few months creeping up on me like a cloud of storm - I was aware of it, but I thought I could handle it. maybe not. It was a bad day.  I just wanted things to go right for once. for me. Not for anyone else. Just me and then maybe I could just forget about all of the stuff like this. while I don't crack often, but today it just snapped:  math marks , expectations, parents, high resolves, the pressure kept building and building. 

I needed to be right, everything perfect. closed to perfect, but no, fate decided to be unkind to me, very unkind. I cracked. I had been hoping to hold out for the weekend. I could relax, party and life would be good. I guess I was having one of those days. We won the basketball game. But that didn't matter, it wasn't fair and was unjust. I couldn't play my best and thing just weren't going right. I just wanted to cry. For once drop the facade-de blah blah, and cry. All my emotions flying out of me. I knew nobody truly understood, but it didn't matter. When we had a group hug I came to realise that people don't judge you for your math mark, they judge you on your true character and that it was OK.

I guess I had lost my real goal: to have fun, to learn and have new experiences and make a difference to others.

I cried, till one in the morning on Saturday, had a long needed heart to heart with mum. I realised that I might as well pick myself up and dust my self off.

BUT NO.

Someone/a culture had to push me down again.

I made a mistake. I apologized  CAN'T PEOPLE REALISE THAT I'M HUMAN. I'm only 15, so I believe I have a right to make mistakes. 

BUT NO.

She lauched a formal complaint to the manager about me. REALLY? REALLY? You lost by one point and 1.5 seconds isn't going to kill you. OK. OK. EVERYONE ELSE FORGAVE ME.

I think.

...

Well the kids did. But no, this lady continued to slice me through my heart and say how I'm a little s*** {she didn't say that, but I knew she wanted to}, and was all like:

Girls shouldn't be reffing at her age.

BLAH BLAH BLAH

WELL I'm SORRY. I'm female. DEAL WITH IT.

And for the second time, I cried. DAMN. It's no fair. At least I know that I have people to fight for me and that people care. That was enough for me. People cared. Sometimes I can't believe this fact. I always have to be perfect, and because of this I have developed an attitude to strive for perfection. But when people care it means that I can let go and make mistakes, and be myself.

That is all

ChampsElysée